discussing the merits of removing your head from your own asshole. - 2008-07-14 1:12 a.m.

so i guess it's time to figure out what has happened since i let this diary slide.

god what a depressing thought.

don't get me wrong, a lot of good stuff has happened.

let me list what i can think of.

-probably played close to 400 shows, with 5 or 10 different bands, somewhere in there
-gotten hit by a car 2 more times(welcome to biking in toronto)
-still working the same shitty job(the merit of this one is debatable)
-moved another 3 times
-severely fucked up my back stagediving, took almost 2 years to fully recover
-ate a shitload of sushi
-cassie moved to the city around this time last year. that part is good. she's amazing.

i haven't felt like myself in a really long time, like i misplaced a chunk of me somewhere along the line and haven't been find it since.
i guess a lot of it has to do with the unceremonious end to my time in the main band i was playing with up to about 2006. i kinda sabotaged myself cause i couldn't bring myself to quit, but it was still a shitty deal that it had come to that. i was miserable, and the shows were just getting worse and worse to the point where i was embarassed to be on stage.
anyways, i never really dealt with it, and i've found it really hard to get excited about anything else ever since.

when you put that much time and effort into something only to have it gone in an instant, it exposes all your efforts, all the work, practice, time spent in vans driving across country, all that shit even the GOOD parts... all it was was time you'll never get back. wasted fucking time.
and what have you got to show for it? cracked ribs, some battered gear and 20 copies of a cd you'll never listen to again.
awesome.

ah whatever. it's just a band. a band i wasn't happy in anyways. i just want my ability to get excited back.

it's like the minutemen always said(in so many words), don't wait for fun to find you, make your own fun.

so i guess all i have to do is figure out how the fuck to go about doing that and i'm set.